Are You There God? It’s Me, Siri

Siri screenshot

Siriously annoying.

I finally figured out what Siri is good for (and yes, these answers are real):

Siri, does God exist?

I would ask that you address your spiritual questions to someone more qualified to comment. Ideally, a human.

What about Christ?

Humans have spiritualism. I have siliconism.

So how can I discover the essence of my being?

I don’t know that. Would you like to search the web for it?

No thanks. Siri, do you have a soul?

Now there’s a good question, Larry. Now where were we?

What are your feelings on organized religion?

I eschew theological disquisition.

Does that mean you’re Jewish?

I can’t answer that.

What’s the meaning of life?

Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

That’s crap. Tell me the truth: what’s the meaning of life?

I Kant answer that, Ha ha!

You’re funny. Tell me another joke.

I can’t. I always forget the punchline.

Siri, can you look into the future?

I suppose it’s possible.

Great. Will I ever be truly happy?

I’m on it. How about a web search for “will I ever be truly happy?”

I don’t think it works that way. Will I ever fall in love in again?

Checking my sources. I don’t know that. Would you like to search the web for it?

Nah, I’ve tried that. Doesn’t work. Siri, do you love me?

I respect you.

Does that mean you’ll sleep with me?

That’s a topic for another day and another assistant.

Let’s change the subject. Can you talk to dead people?

I can, indeed.

Cool! Can you say hey to my mom?

I’m sorry, Larry. I’m afraid I can’t answer that.

Okay, fine. How’s my dad doing in hell today?

I don’t know who your father is, but if you tell me I’ll remember it.

You’ve been no help here.

I don’t want to argue, Larry.

Go to hell, Siri.

What did I do to deserve that?

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