V Isn’t for Vendetta



So I haven’t done any traditional blogging yet because I’d rather tell my own little stories here and really don’t give a crap about what’s going on in the non-secular worlds of religion and spirituality, but when I read this post, I said to myself, “Finally, an opening! The perfect opportunity to talk about vaginas!”

In a nutshell (and talk about mixing your metaphors): some Christian writer lady used the word “vagina” (twice!) in her book about trying to follow the laws of the Bible for a year and some Christian conservative bookstore chain refused to carry it. The HuffPo dude (to say nothing of the razor-sharp women of Jezebel) makes an impassioned and intelligent case against the stupid bookstore and the stupid conservative Christians and I agree with him 100 percent, and the whole thing makes me very happy to be a Jew. For fucking once.

Because here’s the thing about Jews and vaginas: We love them! A shit-ton!

And would never ban them from anywhere — least of all bookstores! Could you imagine a Barnes & Noble without Philip Roth? In fact, vaginas are to Jews as … I can’t even think of a comparison because there’s nothing that compares. Vaginas rule! Ask any of my pornographer relatives!

Jews and vaginas have always been besties. It’s right there in the Bible! I’m pretty sure that whole Sodom and Gomorrah mess had more than a few ladyparts in it. And Jesus’ conception may have been immaculate, but I’m also pretty sure he didn’t pop out of Mary’s ass (and I don’t mean the donkey).

So my main question is: What the hell is wrong with these holier-than-thou-rollers? Do they not ever have sex? Or do they have sex without vaginas? Or do they have a special safe word for it like cooter or Oprah’s minge?

Don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t the majority view for all Christianity. For chrissakes, who (other than us chosen people) likes vaginas more than those freaky-ass Mormons? I just don’t understand how any group of God-fearing — and apparently, vajayjay-fearing — people can disrespect women as much as these pious idiots obviously do.

Newsflash: God loves Him some vagina! That’s why He (or She) invented people!

And fucking!

Atone Deaf

rainbow cookies

Break fast of champions.

Today is Yom Kippur, the holiest and most solemn day of the year for we Jews. It’s a day of atonement, repentance and reconciliation, to say nothing of generally picture-perfect weather. You’re also supposed to fast and abstain from having sex, and I usually go one for two there.

Here’s the deal: Other than slimmer thighs, fasting is about atoning for sins against God (using His name in vain, parking in His spot, drinking His last Red Bull and so on). Atonement is supposed to bring about spiritual cleansing — “wiping the slate clean” was what we called it in Hebrew school — because God is merciful and forgiving (as long as you don’t fuck with His shit), and genuine repentance must ultimately be rewarded with forgiveness and love.

If only I believed in any of this crap.

I’ve been atone deaf for what feels like forever. The last time I seriously observed the high holy days was almost 50 years ago when I was in the second grade. I remember going to shul in Brooklyn with my grandfather, having absolutely no idea what I was doing there, other than trying to be a good Jewish boy. I also remember being scared to death of God. I thought if I didn’t pray along with Pop, something really, really bad was going to happen, like the Holocaust 2, starring Zombie Hitler.

So I imitated Pop the best I could, bobbing my head back and forth to the rhythm of his davening and occasionally muttering a Hebrew word here (“Adonoi”) and there (“Elohim”) to show God that I at least knew His name. At the end of the service, Pop said how proud he was of me and held my hand on the walk home where we subsequently ate like pigs.

That, of course, was the best part. “Breaking fast” by stuffing our fat faces with bagels and lox and whitefish salad and sponge cake and my grandmother’s noodle kugel was my version of hitting the jackpot on Christmas morning, and the only remnant of this holiday that I still observe.

This rainbow cookie is for you, Pop.

Losing My (Patience With) Religion

born again

The born again identity.

My oldest friend Steve is a born again Christian who moved from New York to Florida about 30 years ago and has never looked back. I was the best (and tallest) man at his wedding and among the best (and tallest) boys at his Bar Mitzvah.

When it comes to organized religion, we don’t exactly see eye to eye, but we’ve never let it get in the way of our friendship. I had sent a link to this blog (and was going to make a stupid joke here about Christians and lions although I can’t figure out who’s who) and got the following email from him this morning:

I’d like to share some core beliefs with you:

1. The emptiness we all sense has to do with us being disconnected from our creator God, of which there is only One. Man was not created disconnected from God, but after Adam and Eve disobeyed by eating from the only tree that God told them not to, they and all subsequent generations were spiritually disconnected from Him. 

 2. Our nature is to focus on self. 

 3. God provided a second chance for all to experience that reconnection and eternal life. After all, 70/80/90 years is a drop in the bucket vs. eternity.

 4. Since man inherently is incapable of not sinning via thoughts, words and deeds, the Messiah/Jesus/God The Son was sent to be a substitute for all who believe that he is such a Savior. He lived a sinless life and took the punishment you and I deserve. 

Life is hard, not fair and a grind at times. However, I receive wisdom and understanding reading scripture everyday. I share this because you are an important part of my life.

There you have it. 


My response:

Thanks for this. I know it’s coming from a loving place, but to be completely honest, I need to follow my own path…wherever the HELL that may lead.

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