V Isn’t for Vendetta

vagina

BFF.

So I haven’t done any traditional blogging yet because I’d rather tell my own little stories here and really don’t give a crap about what’s going on in the non-secular worlds of religion and spirituality, but when I read this post, I said to myself, “Finally, an opening! The perfect opportunity to talk about vaginas!”

In a nutshell (and talk about mixing your metaphors): some Christian writer lady used the word “vagina” (twice!) in her book about trying to follow the laws of the Bible for a year and some Christian conservative bookstore chain refused to carry it. The HuffPo dude (to say nothing of the razor-sharp women of Jezebel) makes an impassioned and intelligent case against the stupid bookstore and the stupid conservative Christians and I agree with him 100 percent, and the whole thing makes me very happy to be a Jew. For fucking once.

Because here’s the thing about Jews and vaginas: We love them! A shit-ton!

And would never ban them from anywhere — least of all bookstores! Could you imagine a Barnes & Noble without Philip Roth? In fact, vaginas are to Jews as … I can’t even think of a comparison because there’s nothing that compares. Vaginas rule! Ask any of my pornographer relatives!

Jews and vaginas have always been besties. It’s right there in the Bible! I’m pretty sure that whole Sodom and Gomorrah mess had more than a few ladyparts in it. And Jesus’ conception may have been immaculate, but I’m also pretty sure he didn’t pop out of Mary’s ass (and I don’t mean the donkey).

So my main question is: What the hell is wrong with these holier-than-thou-rollers? Do they not ever have sex? Or do they have sex without vaginas? Or do they have a special safe word for it like cooter or Oprah’s minge?

Don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t the majority view for all Christianity. For chrissakes, who (other than us chosen people) likes vaginas more than those freaky-ass Mormons? I just don’t understand how any group of God-fearing — and apparently, vajayjay-fearing — people can disrespect women as much as these pious idiots obviously do.

Newsflash: God loves Him some vagina! That’s why He (or She) invented people!

And fucking!

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