Why Horoscopes Are Incredibly Awesome

Aries

Larry’s an Aries.

My ex-girlfriend used to send me a love horoscope (I’m an Aries) every now and then. They always seemed so remarkably accurate that I used to think she actually wrote them, and maybe in the lame-ass movie version of this blog she will.

This is what it said the other day:

The atmosphere is one of joy and bonhomie today, thanks to the planetary configuration. It would be a good plan to spend the day out with your loved one, or enjoying yourself with other friends. The atmosphere is just too good to be alone, and is a wonderful time for a party or other celebration. The music and wine may flow, but you’ll find a way to cope.

As I’ve noted before, the universe works in funny ways, and by funny I mean sometimes incredibly awesome. Even before I read the horoscope, I had made plans to go to the beach this past weekend with my ex. We’re still friends (but alas, without benefits) and we still like to occasionally hang out and it was a beautiful day and she has a car, so we thought it would be fun to go swimming one last time before the end of the summer.

We usually go to Brighton Beach because it’s easy to get there from where I live, relatively quiet, and we like making fun of the fat old Russian dudes in Speedos. When we turned on to Coney Island Avenue to look for a parking spot, however, we ran smack into a street fair. Cops were frantically redirecting traffic, and we were forced into playing the familiar New York City parking circle game, going round and round and round and getting nowhere. We did this for almost an hour until we both realized that the universe was telling us something else.

A quick U-turn, flooring the gas pedal, and 15 minutes later, we were back in my apartment unexpectedly enjoying the benefits of our friendship.

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