I Believe That Angels Are Robots

monty python god


I recently took a quiz on Beliefnet called “What’s Your Spiritual Type?” And surprise, surprise – my score makes me a Hardcore Skeptic. I just missed out on being a Spiritual Dabbler by incorrectly answering d) robots to the question “I believe angels are….” Oh well.

So what do you believe in? (I know, I know, nobody said that there was going to be a quiz today…)

1. I believe that God:

a) Exists and intervenes in daily events

b) Exists but does not intervene in daily events

c) Exists but only in the imagination of crazy people

d) Has a small penis

2. When I think about issues of faith or spirituality, my foremost concern is:

a) A sense of connection to something larger than myself

b) A rational understanding of whether religious claims are valid

c) How much money is this going to cost me?

d) I wish there was something good to watch on TV right now

3. I believe the scripture I know best is:

a) Mostly or entirely mythology

b) Divinely inspired and mostly true

c) Should be viewed mainly as storytelling or metaphor, except for the Koran

d) The Koran is sacred (let’s go to the next question already!)

4. Which of these statements comes closest to expressing your most basic view regarding faith?

a) Faith is important because it helps us cope with the struggles and hardships of life

b) Faith is important because it makes the world a better place, by encouraging love and moral behavior

c) Faith is George Michael’s best song

d) Faith is the most demure sounding of all of the hooker names

5. I think prayer is:

a) Heard by God or angels, and for many people God or angels respond

b) Best understood as a form of meditation or moral awareness

c) Convenient when something crappy happens to you

d) Not as much fun as sexting

6. I think that following life:

a) There is an afterlife for the virtuous but no hell; the evil simply cease to exist

b) There is reincarnation or some other condition

c) There is nothing

d) The evil rule

7. Evil is present in the world because:

a) Of human failings; evil has no supernatural component

b) God or a Higher Power wishes to test people

c) Otherwise horror movies would really suck

d) Not sure, but I blame it on the Jews

8. I believe that angels:

a) Exist and intervene to assist the pure-hearted

b) Exist but only watch us, taking no action

c) Will not make the playoffs

d) Are robots

9. I believe that the Devil:

a) Exists and is active on Earth, working to corrupt men and women

b) Exists in the form of temptation to sin, not as a specific being

c) Has a closet filled with blue dresses

d) Speak of the Devil! Ozzy rules!

10. Each day’s newspaper brings reports of crimes, natural disasters, and disease. My most basic reaction is:

a) My faith is tested because I cannot understand how a just God could tolerate the agony of the world

b) I feel sadness, but accept that both the good and the bad of life are somehow part of God’s plan

c) I feel sadness because I just cracked open a box of chocolate chip cookies and ran out of milk

d) Thank God, none of that horrible stuff is happening to me!

11. What frustrates me most about faith is:

a) That it doesn’t prevent bad things from happening to me or my loved ones

b) That God allows so much suffering and evil

c) That there are way too many Jewish holidays

d) That those who have it never seem to shut the hell up about it

12. I believe there is a spirit world:

a) Made up of angels

b) Made up of the souls of people who lived before

c) Made up of rainbow cookies

d) Entirely made up

13. The spiritual quest for me is mostly about:

a) Finding a connection to God

b) Finding something greater than myself

c) Finding Nemo

d) Finding women

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