“Who ordered the pepperoni?”
Women have always tested me, so I’ve been, er, boning up. In fact, I recently took one of those stupid love and relationship quizzes and scored an all-time high. (Full disclosure: It was during a fever dream that involved Penélope Cruz, Peter Dinklage and that hot blonde who I can never remember the name of on Dexter).
Now it’s your turn (and keep track of your answers to see how significant other-ly you really are):
1. When I look at my partner, I primarily feel:
a) Lucky.
b) Happy.
c) Horny.
d) Revulsion.
2. When my partner hugs and kisses me in public:
a) I feel embarrassed.
b) I feel proud and wanted.
c) I feel nauseous.
d) I feel like the cheese who stands alone.
3. When we go to the movies:
a) We hold each other’s hands in the dark.
b) We make out like crazy until people start throwing popcorn at us.
c) We talk back to the screen like we’re at a Tyler Perry film.
d) We stay home and watch Netflix while tweeting on our iPhones.
4. If my partner suggested that we try something sexual that I’ve never tried before:
a) I’d go for it because I trust him/her implicitly.
b) I’d pass because I’d be too uncomfortable and embarrassed.
c) “I’m the pizza delivery guy and you’re the slutty teacher.”
d) I’d pretend that she was Penélope Cruz or the Dexter chick.
5. When I introduced my partner to my family:
a) My partner charmed the pants off of them.
b) My partner charmed the pants off of them and then had sex with one of my sisters.
c) My partner drank heavily and called my father a “raging douchebag.”
d) My family were never heard from again.
6. My partner loves me for:
a) My intelligence.
b) My body
c) My money.
d) My sister.
7. The first time we slept together:
a) Was sweet and tender.
b) Was off-the-charts, cray-cray amazing!
c) Was kinda meh.
d) Was also the last time.
8. For our three-month anniversary, my partner and I:
a) Had a romantic candlelit dinner.
b) Had non-stop sex the entire weekend.
c) “Oops! When was that again?”
d) Changed our Facebook relationship status to Single.
9. My partner’s feelings for me are like:
a) A roaring fire.
b) A roaring ocean.
c) A roaring lion.
d) A roaring car speeding off into the night.
10. When I get upset, my partner usually:
a) Gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me that everything is gonna be all right.
b) Completely shuts down and then writes a snotty blog post about me.
c) Tells me why she’s upset.
d) Doesn’t notice.
11. When I reveal something personal, my partner:
a) Listens and ensures that they understand what I’m saying.
b) Assumes that we will soon be having sex.
c) Continues playing “Call of Duty: Black Ops II”
d) Packs his bags.
12. Sex between us feels like:
a) Heaven
b) Hell
c) Purgatory
d) Rwanda
13. When I’m sexually intimate with my partner, I feel:
a) Horny.
b) Super horny.
c) Like I’m on fire!
d) “I am so goddamn turned on right now!”
14. Compared to my ex, my current partner:
a) Makes me feel very loved and cared for.
b) Could use a little improvement.
c) Is much taller.
d) Is breathing.
15. When I think of growing old with my partner, I feel:
a) Like I’m home.
b) Like I’m drunk.
c) Like I’d rather not.
d) Like the woman who puts the lotion in the basket in The Silence of the Lambs.
Your Score: If you’re still reading this, congratulations! It means we’re now going steady and me love you long time.
The Road to Nowhere 