I’m the Pizza Delivery Guy and You’re the Slutty Teacher

"Who ordered the pepperoni?"

“Who ordered the pepperoni?”

Women have always tested me, so I’ve been, er, boning up. In fact, I recently took one of those stupid love and relationship quizzes and scored an all-time high. (Full disclosure: It was during a fever dream that involved Penélope Cruz, Peter Dinklage and that hot blonde who I can never remember the name of on Dexter).

Now it’s your turn (and keep track of your answers to see how significant other-ly you really are):

1. When I look at my partner, I primarily feel:

a) Lucky.

b) Happy.

c) Horny.

d) Revulsion.

2. When my partner hugs and kisses me in public:

a) I feel embarrassed.

b) I feel proud and wanted.

c) I feel nauseous.

d) I feel like the cheese who stands alone.

3. When we go to the movies:

a) We hold each other’s hands in the dark.

b) We make out like crazy until people start throwing popcorn at us.

c) We talk back to the screen like we’re at a Tyler Perry film.

d) We stay home and watch Netflix while tweeting on our iPhones.

4. If my partner suggested that we try something sexual that I’ve never tried before:

a) I’d go for it because I trust him/her implicitly.

b) I’d pass because I’d be too uncomfortable and embarrassed.

c) “I’m the pizza delivery guy and you’re the slutty teacher.”

d) I’d pretend that she was Penélope Cruz or the Dexter chick.

5. When I introduced my partner to my family:

a) My partner charmed the pants off of them.

b) My partner charmed the pants off of them and then had sex with one of my sisters.

c) My partner drank heavily and called my father a “raging douchebag.”

d) My family were never heard from again.

6. My partner loves me for:

a) My intelligence.

b) My body

c) My money.

d) My sister.

7. The first time we slept together:

a) Was sweet and tender.

b) Was off-the-charts, cray-cray amazing!

c) Was kinda meh.

d) Was also the last time.

8. For our three-month anniversary, my partner and I:

a) Had a romantic candlelit dinner.

b) Had non-stop sex the entire weekend.

c) “Oops! When was that again?”

d) Changed our Facebook relationship status to Single.

9. My partner’s feelings for me are like:

a) A roaring fire.

b) A roaring ocean.

c) A roaring lion.

d) A roaring car speeding off into the night.

10. When I get upset, my partner usually:

a) Gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me that everything is gonna be all right.

b) Completely shuts down and then writes a snotty blog post about me.

c) Tells me why she’s upset.

d) Doesn’t notice.

11. When I reveal something personal, my partner:

a) Listens and ensures that they understand what I’m saying.

b) Assumes that we will soon be having sex.

c) Continues playing “Call of Duty: Black Ops II”

d) Packs his bags.

12.  Sex between us feels like:

a) Heaven

b) Hell

c) Purgatory

d) Rwanda

13. When I’m sexually intimate with my partner, I feel:

a) Horny.

b) Super horny.

c) Like I’m on fire!

d) “I am so goddamn turned on right now!”

14. Compared to my ex, my current partner:

a) Makes me feel very loved and cared for.

b) Could use a little improvement.

c) Is much taller.

d) Is breathing.

15. When I think of growing old with my partner, I feel:

a) Like I’m home.

b) Like I’m drunk.

c) Like I’d rather not.

d) Like the woman who puts the lotion in the basket in The Silence of the Lambs.


Your Score: If you’re still reading this, congratulations! It means we’re now going steady and me love you long time.

I Believe That Angels Are Robots

monty python god


I recently took a quiz on Beliefnet called “What’s Your Spiritual Type?” And surprise, surprise – my score makes me a Hardcore Skeptic. I just missed out on being a Spiritual Dabbler by incorrectly answering d) robots to the question “I believe angels are….” Oh well.

So what do you believe in? (I know, I know, nobody said that there was going to be a quiz today…)

1. I believe that God:

a) Exists and intervenes in daily events

b) Exists but does not intervene in daily events

c) Exists but only in the imagination of crazy people

d) Has a small penis

2. When I think about issues of faith or spirituality, my foremost concern is:

a) A sense of connection to something larger than myself

b) A rational understanding of whether religious claims are valid

c) How much money is this going to cost me?

d) I wish there was something good to watch on TV right now

3. I believe the scripture I know best is:

a) Mostly or entirely mythology

b) Divinely inspired and mostly true

c) Should be viewed mainly as storytelling or metaphor, except for the Koran

d) The Koran is sacred (let’s go to the next question already!)

4. Which of these statements comes closest to expressing your most basic view regarding faith?

a) Faith is important because it helps us cope with the struggles and hardships of life

b) Faith is important because it makes the world a better place, by encouraging love and moral behavior

c) Faith is George Michael’s best song

d) Faith is the most demure sounding of all of the hooker names

5. I think prayer is:

a) Heard by God or angels, and for many people God or angels respond

b) Best understood as a form of meditation or moral awareness

c) Convenient when something crappy happens to you

d) Not as much fun as sexting

6. I think that following life:

a) There is an afterlife for the virtuous but no hell; the evil simply cease to exist

b) There is reincarnation or some other condition

c) There is nothing

d) The evil rule

7. Evil is present in the world because:

a) Of human failings; evil has no supernatural component

b) God or a Higher Power wishes to test people

c) Otherwise horror movies would really suck

d) Not sure, but I blame it on the Jews

8. I believe that angels:

a) Exist and intervene to assist the pure-hearted

b) Exist but only watch us, taking no action

c) Will not make the playoffs

d) Are robots

9. I believe that the Devil:

a) Exists and is active on Earth, working to corrupt men and women

b) Exists in the form of temptation to sin, not as a specific being

c) Has a closet filled with blue dresses

d) Speak of the Devil! Ozzy rules!

10. Each day’s newspaper brings reports of crimes, natural disasters, and disease. My most basic reaction is:

a) My faith is tested because I cannot understand how a just God could tolerate the agony of the world

b) I feel sadness, but accept that both the good and the bad of life are somehow part of God’s plan

c) I feel sadness because I just cracked open a box of chocolate chip cookies and ran out of milk

d) Thank God, none of that horrible stuff is happening to me!

11. What frustrates me most about faith is:

a) That it doesn’t prevent bad things from happening to me or my loved ones

b) That God allows so much suffering and evil

c) That there are way too many Jewish holidays

d) That those who have it never seem to shut the hell up about it

12. I believe there is a spirit world:

a) Made up of angels

b) Made up of the souls of people who lived before

c) Made up of rainbow cookies

d) Entirely made up

13. The spiritual quest for me is mostly about:

a) Finding a connection to God

b) Finding something greater than myself

c) Finding Nemo

d) Finding women

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