Hello?

Hi Larry! It’s Penélope.

Oh hi!

I just wanted to call and say how happy I was to hear the good news!

That’s so sweet of you, Pen. Is it okay if I call you Pen?

Yes, yes, of course. Teller won’t mind. I make a little joke.

Penélope, I have to confess that I’ve been in love with you ever since I first saw you in that movie where you were naked … I forget what it was called.

Thank you, Larry. You know, I often think about you when I am making love to Javier.

That’s funny because I often think about you too when … well, let’s just say “a lot.”

In fact, I called out your name the other night and Javier flew off the handle like he was back in No Country for Old Men. The Coen Brothers annoy me.

Javier annoyed me in Skyfall. What the hell was that?

I know, Larry, but enough about him. Let’s talk about you, my darling. Do you remember the scene from Nine where I do my little song and dance number?

Are you kidding? Of course! “Squeeze me, here and here … and … here.” OMG!

That was all for you, my sweet sweet man. Matthew McConaughey thought it was for him, but he is just a boy.

You know, I never understood you being with him. Or for that matter, with Tom Cruise.

Well, talk to Nicole and Katie, if … how do you say … you get my drift. Larry, love of my life, fire of my loins! I need to be with you! And I need to tell you a little secret …

I don’t have to sleep with Almodóvar, do I? Because that would be a dealbreaker.

Hahaha. No, no, no. On the contrary, I was talking to my dear friend Salma Hayek, do you know her?

Yes, she rocked in Savages.

I hate Oliver Stone, but anyway, I was talking to Salma the other night and out of the blue she mentioned your name and told me that she has often fantasized about having a threesome with all of us, and I told her that I, too, have had the same fantasy. We call it “the Larry sandwich.”

Oh Pen! You’re more than any man can handle. And besides, Salma is very short.

Larry, my precious love! I am leaving Javier, the baby and Pedro! I need to be with you in Brooklyn!  I need to be your muse. I need to feel your lips on mine. I have heard that you are a wonderful kisser.

Um, not according to the last woman I was dating.

She must be a fool! Larry, Larry, Larry! Only unfulfilled love can be romantic.

That’s from Vicky Christina Barcelona, right?

Right.

And I’m not really talking to you? This is a dream, yes?

Yes, my sleepy angel.

And you’re not leaving Javier or Pedro, are you?

Of course not, silly. Have you ever seen Javier in Biutiful? He’s the sexiest man alive. And Pedro is a genius.

So I should probably just wake up now.

Open your eyes. Or Vanilla Sky, whichever you prefer.