Sex, Love and Schmucks, 17 Syllables at a Time


No idea what this means either.

My friend Tony and I wrote a ridiculous, little book a few years ago called “Guyku: Sex, Love and Schmucks — 17 Syllables at a Time.”

Here’s a tiny bit of how we pitched it:

Guyku contains everything you need to know about men from the first magical moment when you drunkenly meet them to the even more magical moment when you get them into bed to the penultimate magical moment in your life when you marry them to the all-time greatest moment of your life when you have children with them to the moment literally right after that when you begin to feel sick to your stomach about them and wish they were dead. We’re kidding, we’re kidding! But not really.

Unfortunately (and perhaps not surprisingly), no one was crazy enough to publish this nonsense.

Until today.



When the sun descends

Your dreams come into focus

Just show more cleavage


A small compliment

Melts the heart of frozen ice

He touches your thigh


On a warm spring night

Loneliness evaporates

Poke him on Facebook


The sensitive guy

Waterfalls of emotion

Also wants to get laid


In a secret room

A dark truth beneath his smile

He likes Taylor Swift


Guys and drugs don’t mix

Unless you’re both on the drugs

Then, oh boy, they do


Warmness of his touch

Gazing deep into your eyes

Hope he’s not a schmuck


Tell him that he’s smart

Even if he’s not that smart

He won’t guess the truth


Secrets you’ve told him

About you and your roommate

Delete those photos


The phone doesn’t ring

He’s just not that into you

Try sexting instead


He likes to stay home

You love to go out dancing

That’s why God made gays


Before you met him

Unbearable loneliness

Now just bearable


When do you confess

That he would finish second

To chocolate pudding



The men are from Mars

And the women from Venus

Uranus is closed


All men are babies

Thinking about the same thing

Just don’t change him … yet


Real intimacy

Requires both love and trust

Good luck with all that


He opens slowly

Revealing his fears and dreams

Then he drops his pants


Softly kiss his eyes

Rub his legs and tired feet

Or pass on the feet


Listen with your heart

That is all you need to know

And a Brazilian


His body language

Expresses hidden desires

And not so hidden


Two souls embrace

A new heartbeat between them

It feels really big


Face of an angel

Lost in your heavenly arms

Wake him in an hour


If you’re done with him

Be nice, let him down gently

Mock him on your blog



Love is just a word

Until someone gives it meaning

You know what we mean


Love is not blind, no

It just helps you see clearly

What others can’t see


Partner and soul mate

Your hearts complete each other

Especially naked


First ask yourself this

Are you with him just because

He does what you ask?


Love vs. “in” love

Two different kinds of things

Little word, big deal


Tattoo with your name

Forever under his skin

Nice visual pun


Your heart beats faster

Whenever you’re around him

Are you doing coke?


How to know for sure

If it’s the right decision?

One way to find out



Scared of commitment

Make it easier on him

Just do everything


Til death do you part

Sounds like sex with one person

Ad infinitum


Love, honor, respect

All sound so good in theory

They are first to go


No bed of roses

In fact, no bed or roses

Where are the roses?


Sometimes wondering

Did I marry the right one?

That is your answer


You had a bad dream

He was sleeping with someone

Turned out to be you


If he’d die for you

It’s not such a good idea

To ask just yet


If he asks the same

If you’d die for him

Change the subject fast


You don’t want children

He dotes on his sisters’ kids

Oh my God — You’re late!



Miracle of birth

Cherish and nurture for life

Your husband is toast


Baby is crying

It’s the middle of the night

Touch his dick; he’s up!


Babies are like crack

You can’t get enough of them

Soon enough, you will


Sex after children?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha


The babysitter

In her half-shirt and short-shorts

Will not be asked back


A sudden howling

In the corner of your dream

Next time, Ambien!


Alone time is crucial

Safely in each other’s arms

He makes your teeth itch


It’s a short walk from

Faithful, devoted spouse to

Desperate housewife



Guys will sometimes lie

Sure you know nothing about

This subject yourselves


He is working late

He is working still later

Who does he work with?


You trust him plenty

Her you have a problem with

You used to be her


Do not blame yourself

Unless you’re also to blame

Then knock yourself out


Divine forgiveness

Begins in a jewelry store

And ends on the couch


Two dying flowers

Shriveling in the noon day sun

Talking through lawyers


Just sign the papers

You’ll feel like a million bucks

Just sign the papers


Separation sucks

All anger and loneliness

But freeze joint accounts


You keep the children

No, you can keep the children

You keep the children


Time will heal the wound

Annoying when friends say this

Still, they went with you


Don’t let fear scare you

Things will get much better

He was such a schmuck



When all’s said and done

There’s no more need for talking

Wow, what a relief!


Welcome, twilight years!

Vampires without sucking

You are without teeth


The children are gone

Breathe in that freedom again

Oh my God! They’re back!


Geriatric sex

A near-death experience

Every time you try


Bodies not the same

Things don’t work like they used to

Who cares? Keep rubbing!


The hair in his nose

Seems to be growing a beard

Don’t look at his ears


No fool like old fool

Love’s not only thing that’s blind

Also deaf and dumb


What? What did you say?

I didn’t say anything!

Who? Who was that? What?

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