Sex, Love and Schmucks, 17 Syllables at a Time

Haiku_XX

No idea what this means either.

My friend Tony and I wrote a ridiculous, little book a few years ago called “Guyku: Sex, Love and Schmucks — 17 Syllables at a Time.”

Here’s a tiny bit of how we pitched it:

Guyku contains everything you need to know about men from the first magical moment when you drunkenly meet them to the even more magical moment when you get them into bed to the penultimate magical moment in your life when you marry them to the all-time greatest moment of your life when you have children with them to the moment literally right after that when you begin to feel sick to your stomach about them and wish they were dead. We’re kidding, we’re kidding! But not really.

Unfortunately (and perhaps not surprisingly), no one was crazy enough to publish this nonsense.

Until today.

*

ON DATING

When the sun descends

Your dreams come into focus

Just show more cleavage

 

A small compliment

Melts the heart of frozen ice

He touches your thigh

 

On a warm spring night

Loneliness evaporates

Poke him on Facebook

 

The sensitive guy

Waterfalls of emotion

Also wants to get laid

 

In a secret room

A dark truth beneath his smile

He likes Taylor Swift

 

Guys and drugs don’t mix

Unless you’re both on the drugs

Then, oh boy, they do

 

Warmness of his touch

Gazing deep into your eyes

Hope he’s not a schmuck

 

Tell him that he’s smart

Even if he’s not that smart

He won’t guess the truth

 

Secrets you’ve told him

About you and your roommate

Delete those photos

 

The phone doesn’t ring

He’s just not that into you

Try sexting instead

 

He likes to stay home

You love to go out dancing

That’s why God made gays

 

Before you met him

Unbearable loneliness

Now just bearable

 

When do you confess

That he would finish second

To chocolate pudding

*

ON SEX

The men are from Mars

And the women from Venus

Uranus is closed

 

All men are babies

Thinking about the same thing

Just don’t change him … yet

 

Real intimacy

Requires both love and trust

Good luck with all that

 

He opens slowly

Revealing his fears and dreams

Then he drops his pants

 

Softly kiss his eyes

Rub his legs and tired feet

Or pass on the feet

 

Listen with your heart

That is all you need to know

And a Brazilian

 

His body language

Expresses hidden desires

And not so hidden

 

Two souls embrace

A new heartbeat between them

It feels really big

 

Face of an angel

Lost in your heavenly arms

Wake him in an hour

 

If you’re done with him

Be nice, let him down gently

Mock him on your blog

*

ON LOVE

Love is just a word

Until someone gives it meaning

You know what we mean

 

Love is not blind, no

It just helps you see clearly

What others can’t see

 

Partner and soul mate

Your hearts complete each other

Especially naked

 

First ask yourself this

Are you with him just because

He does what you ask?

 

Love vs. “in” love

Two different kinds of things

Little word, big deal

 

Tattoo with your name

Forever under his skin

Nice visual pun

 

Your heart beats faster

Whenever you’re around him

Are you doing coke?

 

How to know for sure

If it’s the right decision?

One way to find out

*

ON MARRIAGE

Scared of commitment

Make it easier on him

Just do everything

 

Til death do you part

Sounds like sex with one person

Ad infinitum

 

Love, honor, respect

All sound so good in theory

They are first to go

 

No bed of roses

In fact, no bed or roses

Where are the roses?

 

Sometimes wondering

Did I marry the right one?

That is your answer

 

You had a bad dream

He was sleeping with someone

Turned out to be you

 

If he’d die for you

It’s not such a good idea

To ask just yet

 

If he asks the same

If you’d die for him

Change the subject fast

 

You don’t want children

He dotes on his sisters’ kids

Oh my God — You’re late!

*

ON PARENTHOOD  

Miracle of birth

Cherish and nurture for life

Your husband is toast

 

Baby is crying

It’s the middle of the night

Touch his dick; he’s up!

 

Babies are like crack

You can’t get enough of them

Soon enough, you will

 

Sex after children?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha

 

The babysitter

In her half-shirt and short-shorts

Will not be asked back

 

A sudden howling

In the corner of your dream

Next time, Ambien!

 

Alone time is crucial

Safely in each other’s arms

He makes your teeth itch

 

It’s a short walk from

Faithful, devoted spouse to

Desperate housewife

*

ON DIVORCE

Guys will sometimes lie

Sure you know nothing about

This subject yourselves

 

He is working late

He is working still later

Who does he work with?

 

You trust him plenty

Her you have a problem with

You used to be her

 

Do not blame yourself

Unless you’re also to blame

Then knock yourself out

 

Divine forgiveness

Begins in a jewelry store

And ends on the couch

 

Two dying flowers

Shriveling in the noon day sun

Talking through lawyers

 

Just sign the papers

You’ll feel like a million bucks

Just sign the papers

 

Separation sucks

All anger and loneliness

But freeze joint accounts

 

You keep the children

No, you can keep the children

You keep the children

 

Time will heal the wound

Annoying when friends say this

Still, they went with you

 

Don’t let fear scare you

Things will get much better

He was such a schmuck

*

ON OLD AGE

When all’s said and done

There’s no more need for talking

Wow, what a relief!

 

Welcome, twilight years!

Vampires without sucking

You are without teeth

 

The children are gone

Breathe in that freedom again

Oh my God! They’re back!

 

Geriatric sex

A near-death experience

Every time you try

 

Bodies not the same

Things don’t work like they used to

Who cares? Keep rubbing!

 

The hair in his nose

Seems to be growing a beard

Don’t look at his ears

 

No fool like old fool

Love’s not only thing that’s blind

Also deaf and dumb

 

What? What did you say?

I didn’t say anything!

Who? Who was that? What?

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