The Missionary Position

missionary position

Doing God’s work.

If you ever heard my ex-girlfriend and I having sex, you would’ve thought we were the most devout couple on earth – missionaries on the most important of missions, doing God’s work.

Me: “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!”

Her: “Jesus! Jesus Christ! Oh, Larry! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Larry! OH, JESUS!”

Me: “Holy! Holy! Holy! Holy Christ! HOLY CHRIST! SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!”

Her: “Oh, oh, oh. OH! OH! OH! Oh Lord! OH LORD! OH LORD!”

Me: “Jesus God Almighty! Jesus God Almighty! Jesus God Almighty!”

Her: “Jeez! Lar! JESUS! LAR! JESUS! LARRY! JESUS! LARRY! Jesus Larry and Joseph!”

Me: “Oh my God! OMG! OMG OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!”

Her: “In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy… LARRR-EEE!!!”

Me: “Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu melech ha’olam.”

Her: “My sweet lord (Hare Krishna). My sweet lord (Krishna Krishna).”

Me: “From the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, white with foam. God bless America. My home sweet home.”

Her: “What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us.”

Me: “Kum ba yah, my lord, Kum ba yah! 
Kum ba yah, my lord, Kum ba yah! 
Kum ba yah, my lord, Kum ba yah. 
O Lord, Kum ba yah.”

Her: “That’s me in the corner, That’s me in the spotlight, LOSING… MY… RELIGIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

Me: “Praise Allah!”

Her: “God is good.”

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