If there is a God, I’ve always imagined him to be merciless, especially when it comes to my favorite Kübler-Ross stage, bargaining.
Me: So who do I have to blow to make this cancer thing go away?
Him: Don’t talk to me about blow. I’m the guy who provides 72 virgins to every Muslim who kablooies himself to get up here.
me: What if I become a born-again Jew? I’ll even wear one of those funny hats.
Him: Hey, I invented Jews, remember? Adding one, taking one away, it doesn’t really matter. Didja ever hear of the Holocaust? That was me.
me: What if I dedicate my life to being good and helping those less fortunate than myself?
Him: If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that load of crap, I’d be … Oh, that reminds me, I need to buy more Apple stock. You’re gonna have to be a little more creative, Lar.
me: Hmm … Do you need anybody killed? Um, sorry, forgot who I was talking to.
Him: Jesus Christ! Tick-fucking-tock. I don’t have all of eternity. Oh, wait.
me: Whatever happened to “ask and you shall receive?” Isn’t that in the Bible?
Him: Do you believe everything you read? Have you ever gone to TMZ? I should give all of those reporters cancer. Hold it, lemme write that down.
me: How about penance? What if I give up bacon?
Him: Why should I give a flying fuck about what you eat? And you’re talking to the guy who invented the flying fuck. Speaking of which, I’m working on something that’s even more delicious than bacon and also involves sex. I could tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you. Hahaha! I love that stupid joke!
me: What if I become celibate?
Him: Prostate cancer isn’t exactly gonna make you into the next Ron Jeremy. I’m on a roll today! I’ll be here all week. Until the end of time.
me: You really are the greatest! All knowing, all seeing, all powerful. What if I worship you like no one has ever worshipped you in the history of the world?
Him: OM! (I love that I don’t have to use the G.) You mean, like some kind of a stalker? No thanks! I had to unfriend Lindsay Lohan on Facebook. That chick is craze-ee.
me: I’ll donate money to charity! Or stop asking for your help during Giants games.
Him: Ooooh! Now you’re talking! Why don’t you write me a check for a quadrillion octillion dollars. Make it out to cash. And btw, my fantasy football team is kicking ass this season.
me: Okay, here’s my final offer. What if I believe in you?
Him: HAHA! You already do, schmuck. You just don’t know it yet.