There Will Be Blood

final destination

Eye yi yi.

Mercury is in retrograde and I wouldn’t have known what the hell that meant either had a woman I work with who also happens to be an astrologer not clued me in.

The short explanation (for those who believe in “what’s your sign” mumbo-jumbo) is that Mercury (the planet, not the goop in a thermometer) rules certain aspects of our lives like communication, truth and travel. A few times a year (it arrived two nights ago, making Obama’s win even more miraculous), Mercury appears to be going backwards in the sky (it’s really just hanging out by the sun and who’s looking at this anyway? Icarus?) and when that happens, we’re all pretty much fucked for the next three weeks.

Here’s an even simpler explanation: Mercury in retrograde is like when astrology gets its period. In other words, there will be blood.

It basically just cramps your style, followed by the shit hitting the proverbial fan. During its most recent cycle (okay, I’m done) towards the end of the summer, my last girlfriend and I broke up and like clockwork (Orange?) that just happened again with a woman I had been dating for the past several weeks. Talk about quicksilver.

All kinds of other annoying crap can also happen during this period (I lied), so steer clear of electrical outlets, make sure to continually save and back up that screenplay you’ve been working on for the past five years and get to the airport for your Thanksgiving flight extra early, although, no matter what, it’s gonna be delayed. These next few weeks will be like an extended cut of Final Destination, hopefully without the rollercoaster derailment or other assorted sharp flying objects.

M in R can also be a valuable time for reflection. Old friends from the past sometimes resurface and this can be an excellent opportunity to heal open wounds. In fact, my ex-wife and I had a lovely conversation just the other day.

Additionally, it can be a chance to learn from previous mistakes and tie up loose ends, although I haven’t spoken with my last girlfriend in a while.

It’s also a respite for the soul to ponder its destiny. Some things that were lost may also reappear, or so says no less of an authority than

In matters of the heart, if your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you or says something hurtful, take a wait-and-see attitude. Since Mercury rules speech, they may not mean what you think they are saying now. Let them have some space, wait and see.

I’m waiting.

But does anyone have a spare tampon?

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