Some Kind of Wonderful

mother teresa

Model T.

It’s amazing how fucked-up shit always brings out the best in people.

Unless you’re a serial killer or Mitt Romney, it’s human nature to be compassionate when something bad happens to others, and it doesn’t much matter if that badness befalls people you know and love or a bunch of total strangers. Our hearts (and when I say “our” I mean “non-Republicans”) instinctively go out to the less fortunate. And even though it semi-pains me to say this, here’s the bottom line: there but for the grace of what’s-his-face, go I.

Over these past few days, I’ve heard so many inspiring Hurricane Sandy stories about people opening up their homes to those who lost power or suffered even worse misfortune (my friend Ralph’s cousin had an aunt who drowned in her apartment in Howard Beach), and these acts of generosity are so heartfelt and selfless that it has restored my faith in humanity. In other words, people don’t suck nearly as much as I had always thought they did.

And that includes me. I texted my ex-wife the other night and told her that she was welcome to crash in Brooklyn while she waited for power to be restored in Long Island. She passed but thanked me just the same. And that got me thinking about how I’d like to be friends with her again for all of the reasons that made us friends in the first place, to say nothing of how we loved each other and really never stopped. And it took nothing less than a goddamn hurricane to make me realize this.

Which leads me to the following question: why can’t we be caring, altruistic, loving human beings every day? I know a lot of us walk around thinking that we are (and you don’t have to Facebook me about it, I know that you’re all some kind of wonderful), but why do we need disaster to strike before we open up our hearts?

You know the answer as well as I do – we’re only human and, like it or not, life gets in the way. But what if compassion became a way of life? What if we all became Mother fucking Teresas?

This all comes as something of a revelation to me. I’m one of those people who walked around thinking that I was caring, altruistic and loving, although admittedly haven’t always shown it. It’s been there on the inside and that’s where it has pretty much stayed.

But I have to tell you, it feels damn good when that shit comes out.

An Act of God

monsters maple street

God and monsters laugh.

Act  I. Scene I.

Me and Him walk into a bar …

me: (angrily) Are you fucking kidding me with this Sandy shit?

Him: (casually) What can I say? I was bored. (He downs a shot of whiskey)

me: (very loud) Bored!? There are millions of people without power! (Larry takes a pull on beer)

Him: Now they all feel what it’s like NOT to be me! HA! I crack myself up.

me: (getting more perturbed) You destroyed homes! You killed people!

Him: I guess that Geico lizard is going to be a busy beaver, excuse the mixed metaphor.

me: You really suck, you know that?

Him: Why are you getting all Erin Brockovich/Norma Rae on me? You still have cable and wi-fi, right? (He takes another shot)

me: (meekly) Um…yes. Thank God.

Him: You’re welcome.

me: What about screwing up mass transit? People can’t go to work and kids can’t go to school? (Larry nurses beer while slowly peeling off label)

Him: Like I said, you’re welcome.

me: (Waits a beat, thinking) Don’t you usually save this armageddon shit for Florida or the Panhandle? Isn’t it enough that New York gets the terrorist shaft every time you read a Tom Clancy novel?

Him: (laughs) Oh, don’t worry. I have something extra fun planned for Florida, especially if they wind up going for that idiot Romney.

me: (deep sigh) My closest friends in Manhattan and Long Island are sitting in the dark, finishing the last of their ice cream and eating mayonnaise out of those disgusting little squeeze packets. Do something!

Him: (pleasantly) This is me doing something. I’m watching! You know the famous Twilight Zone episode when the alien monsters fuck with the Maple Street people by turning the lights off and on, and they get all paranoid and panic-stricken? Who do you think gave Serling that idea?

me: (angry) This is the Devil’s work! How are people supposed to believe in you when you do horrible stuff like this? (Larry finishes rest of beer, rips off remainder of  label)

Him: Hey, it’s just nature! It’s not like I’m sitting up here judging you. Um, wait. And the devil’s work? You offend me, sir. Did you see the satellite-view of that hurricane? It was a thing of beauty. The Devil is an amateur. I’m an artist. (He takes another shot but the glass is empty) Hit me one more time, will ya!

me: (softly) You know, I was supposed to go for a sonogram tomorrow and now it’s been postponed.

Him: Dude, I’m doing you a favor. Unless you were really looking forward to having a probe stuck up your ass. And I may be wrong about this, but I don’t remember making you gay. (He downs another shot) Mmm. Nectar of the Gods. No, no, wait! Nectar of me! That’s good.

me: (almost whispering, eyes shut) I just want to get it over with already. That’s all.

Him: (puts his arm around Larry’s shoulder and looks him in the eye) Lemme hit you with a newsflash: You don’t have cancer! (pauses) Or maybe you do! Who knows? HAHA! This is like a private Twilight Zone screening just for you! I love fucking with you people! (to bartender) One more for the road! I’m feeling no pain. HA! I never feel pain!

me: What ever happened to your famous compassion?

Him: You should’ve seen me last night. None of those Muslim virgins were complaining, I’ll tell you what.

me: (exasperated) I thought God is love.

Him: Like I just said. (pauses and leans in close, speaking conspiratorially) Look, Lar, here’s the deal: Sometimes I do unspeakably horrible things and sometimes I do unimaginably beautiful things and sometimes I truly fuck up and you read all about it in UsWeekly, but mainly I’m a good guy just trying to get by. Like you. (hiccups and then sings) “What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?” I fucking love that song! (He puts on his leather jacket) You got this, right?

God exits stage right into the cold, dark night.

Curtain