I can’t believe that I’m in my mid-fifties and the prospect of kissing a woman for the first time still makes me feel like I’m back in ninth grade. It’s that thrilling, almost nauseating combination of Carly Simon-esque anticipation mixed with Kierkegaardian dread (and those kids, I think, would’ve made a cute couple). In other words, I never know when to make my move. So I thought I’d consult an expert on the subject.
L: Can I ask you a question?
L: It’s about kissing.
L: HA! Anyway, here goes: How do you know when it’s the right time to kiss a girl?
Z: I gotta be honest with you, Dad. I don’t think I’m the right person to ask.
L: How come?
Z: Cuz it’s not like I’m going out on dates.
L: Right, I know.
Z: It’s just that I don’t find myself in those type of situations.
L: I get it. College is different. But hypothetically speaking …
Z: And I’m more like the guy who misses the opportunity and winds up in the friend zone.
L: Like father, like son. Story of my life, man.
Z: It’s like I’ll be at a bar talking to a girl. For me, it’s just talking.
L: For me, too. I know what you mean.
Z: And I’ll notice how close she is to my face, and since I’m taller she may get a little closer …
L: Yep, that works. I’m also taller.
Z: And … I literally don’t know how to put the rest into words.
L: Just keep going.
Z: Well, if we’re both vibing each other, it just sorta happens.
L: Right, right! So here’s my deal. I’ll be out on a date and we’re “vibing” …
L: … and then it’s the end of the night and things begin to get a little squirrely.
Z: I truly have no idea what you’re talking about.
L: It’s like should I or shouldn’t I?
Z: I don’t know what to tell you, Dad. It’s just one of those things that I can’t explain.
L: Me neither. Last question: What makes someone a good kisser?
Z: Dad! This is awkward for me.
L: Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to be.
Z: It’s fine. It’s just not the right topic for me.
L: You think Rob would be okay if I asked him about it?
Z: HA! He’d be twice as embarrassed.
L: Cool. I’ll call him tomorrow!
okay you spineless pussy. here’s the answer to that kissing question. “Cubic Centimeters”, as in “how many cubic centimeters of white wine have you and your date thrown back. If you each have 2 full glasses of white wine, you will find yourself that there is NEVER a wrong time to kiss, even if you DON”T LIKE EACH OTHER. Less than that and you are on your own.
We guys tend to attach too much emotion to the kiss. In fact kissing is just like sex. Sometimes it needs to be meaningful, other times you just need to clean your pipes. So take my advice, 2 glasses of white wine and let the slobbering begin. Next morning you can ask yourself what it all meant.
I did it just last week. Punch Restaurant on lower Broadway she was in the middle of a sentence th, and the t I wasn’t even listening to. I leaned in kissed her, pulled back and she said “that was nice”.
And this is exactly why I’ve always looked up to!