I can’t believe that I’m in my mid-fifties and the prospect of kissing a woman for the first time still makes me feel like I’m back in ninth grade. It’s that thrilling, almost nauseating combination of Carly Simon-esque anticipation mixed with Kierkegaardian dread (and those kids, I think, would’ve made a cute couple). In other words, I never know when to make my move. So I thought I’d consult an expert on the subject.
L: Can I ask you a question?
L: It’s about kissing.
L: HA! Anyway, here goes: How do you know when it’s the right time to kiss a girl?
Z: I gotta be honest with you, Dad. I don’t think I’m the right person to ask.
L: How come?
Z: Cuz it’s not like I’m going out on dates.
L: Right, I know.
Z: It’s just that I don’t find myself in those type of situations.
L: I get it. College is different. But hypothetically speaking …
Z: And I’m more like the guy who misses the opportunity and winds up in the friend zone.
L: Like father, like son. Story of my life, man.
Z: It’s like I’ll be at a bar talking to a girl. For me, it’s just talking.
L: For me, too. I know what you mean.
Z: And I’ll notice how close she is to my face, and since I’m taller she may get a little closer …
L: Yep, that works. I’m also taller.
Z: And … I literally don’t know how to put the rest into words.
L: Just keep going.
Z: Well, if we’re both vibing each other, it just sorta happens.
L: Right, right! So here’s my deal. I’ll be out on a date and we’re “vibing” …
L: … and then it’s the end of the night and things begin to get a little squirrely.
Z: I truly have no idea what you’re talking about.
L: It’s like should I or shouldn’t I?
Z: I don’t know what to tell you, Dad. It’s just one of those things that I can’t explain.
L: Me neither. Last question: What makes someone a good kisser?
Z: Dad! This is awkward for me.
L: Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to be.
Z: It’s fine. It’s just not the right topic for me.
L: You think Rob would be okay if I asked him about it?
Z: HA! He’d be twice as embarrassed.
L: Cool. I’ll call him tomorrow!