Should I or shouldn’t I?

I can’t believe that I’m in my mid-fifties and the prospect of kissing a woman for the first time still makes me feel like I’m back in ninth grade. It’s that thrilling, almost nauseating combination of Carly Simon-esque anticipation mixed with Kierkegaardian dread (and those kids, I think, would’ve made a cute couple). In other words, I never know when to make my move. So I thought I’d consult an expert on the subject.

Larry: Yo.

Zach: Yo.

L: Can I ask you a question?

Z: Shoot.

L: It’s about kissing.

Z: Uh-oh.

L: HA! Anyway, here goes: How do you know when it’s the right time to kiss a girl?

Z: I gotta be honest with you, Dad. I don’t think I’m the right person to ask.

L: How come?

Z: Cuz it’s not like I’m going out on dates.

L: Right, I know.

Z: It’s just that I don’t find myself in those type of situations.

L: I get it. College is different. But hypothetically speaking …

Z: And I’m more like the guy who misses the opportunity and winds up in the friend zone.

L: Like father, like son. Story of my life, man.

Z: It’s like I’ll be at a bar talking to a girl. For me, it’s just talking.

L: For me, too. I know what you mean.

Z: And I’ll notice how close she is to my face, and since I’m taller she may get a little closer …

L: Yep, that works. I’m also taller.

Z: And … I literally don’t know how to put the rest into words.

L: Just keep going.

Z: Well, if we’re both vibing each other, it just sorta happens.

L: Right, right! So here’s my deal. I’ll be out on a date and we’re “vibing” …

Z: HA!

L: … and then it’s the end of the night and things begin to get a little squirrely.

Z: I truly have no idea what you’re talking about.

L: It’s like should I or shouldn’t I?

Z: I don’t know what to tell you, Dad. It’s just one of those things that I can’t explain.

L: Me neither. Last question: What makes someone a good kisser?

Z: Dad! This is awkward for me.

L: Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to be.

Z: It’s fine. It’s just not the right topic for me.

L: You think Rob would be okay if I asked him about it?

Z: HA! He’d be twice as embarrassed.

L: Cool. I’ll call him tomorrow!