1) Don’t worry! You don’t have cancer!

2) There’s no way you have cancer. Stop being such a tall baby.

3) Hey dickhead! It’s not your time yet, all right. I know this for a fact. So shut the fuck up already.**

4) You don’t have cancer. Yet.

5) You don’t have cancer, but your whining is giving me a headache.

6) I spoke to our dead mom and she said you don’t have cancer.

7) Don’t die please, Dad.

8) Wow Dad! That’s really fucking crazy!

9) If you had cancer, you would know you had cancer.

10) I know you don’t have cancer because I’m never wrong about these things.

11) How do I know that you don’t have cancer? I’m a witch!

12) My father and grandfather both had it. It’s really no big deal.

13) Hey, at least it’s giving you something interesting to write about.

14) Well, if you have to get cancer, at least this is a good one to get.

15) I’m choosing to believe that you don’t have cancer and that you have a fabulous sex life in front of you with stupendous boo-tay.

16) It’s 90% good! Don’t worry! No reason!

17) The Korean girl who does my nails said you don’t have cancer.

18) The good news is that cancer is an even better chick magnet than getting a dog.

19) What’s the worst-case scenario anyway? Um, nevermind.

20) Hey, man, diapers will be a good look for you!

21) Just think ­– this could be one of the last times we’ll ever be able to have sex together.

22) You’ve already had cancer! What are the chances of lightning striking twice?

23) How long is your lease?

24) I had a dream that you didn’t have cancer and that you slept with Penélope Cruz. It’s a sign!

25) It’s like you’re inside a Coen Brothers movie.

26) With global warming, chances are none of us are going to be around in ten years anyway.

27) It’s always You! You! You! What about me?

28) Hey, not having sex will be like when you were married.

29) Don’t worry, babe. You’ll be fine. Everything will be okay.

30) Can I have your iPad?

** (Update: Okay dickhead, so maybe you do have cancer. Happy now?)